Teen Relationships, are they healthy?

Are you a teen? Are you involved in a relationship? You must educate and empower yourself to build violence free relationships. Many think that violence only comes in the form of physical acts taken against another person. Have you ever been teased, sent a hurtful text message or read harmful words on a computer? These too, are acts of violence taken against another person. These acts affect our emotional well-being and can leave lasting scars.

Teenagers place emphasis on being popular and this is especially true when it comes to adolescent girls. Being a parent and a Police/School Liaison Officer, I see others place importance on looks, popularity and relationships with the opposite gender. The order in which they rank these three items of importance changes by the minute. Depending upon what happens with these matters, can result in whether or not the teen has a positive day or experiences hurt, loneliness and loss of self-worth. The latter, may lead to hurting themselves, friends and family members with words of their own.

Teen Dating statistics show one out of every three relationships show signs of abuse. If one party shows patterns of controlling the behavior of another, this is abuse. Teen violence is often hidden from others because the teen has little to no experience in relationships, they want independence from parents, peer pressure directs them to be violent and they have romantic views of dating. Some young boys feel the need to possess others by having complete control, the need to demand intimacy and they may lose respect from their “guy” friends if they show attentiveness and support to their girlfriends. Young girls feel that they are the ones responsible for solving problems in the relationship, possessiveness and jealousy is romantic and abuse is normal because their friends are being abused too. It’s no wonder teens feel this way, have you listened to current music trends, watched music videos, movies or television shows? Ask yourself, “How is the Media portraying the genders?” We have become a society that is num to not only violent physical acts, but emotional ones too.

Teens Dating Bill of Rights and Pledge:

• I have the right
• To always be treated with respect
• To be in a healthy relationship
• A healthy relationship is not controlling, manipulative, or jealous
• A healthy relationship involves honesty, trust, and communication
• To not be hurt physically or emotionally
• To refuse sex or affection at anytime
• A healthy relationship involves making consensual sexual decisions
• You have the right to not have sex
• Even if you had sex before, you have the right to refuse sex for any reason
• To have friends and activities apart from my boyfriend or girlfriend
• To end the relationship
• I pledge to
• Always treat my boyfriend or girlfriend with respect
• Never hurt my boyfriend or girlfriend physically, verbally or emotionally
• Respect my girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s decisions concerning sex and affection
• Not be controlling or manipulative in my relationship
• Accept responsibility for myself and my actions
  

It is important that teens have a dating plan and safety plan with regards to relationships.

Help teach your children the importance of healthy relationships. Provide them with the education to empower themselves to know what is right and what is hurtful. No one should control another person. Parents, what examples are you modeling for your children? Is your relationship at home one of abuse? If it is, report it! Take a stand by getting help. In Jefferson and Dodge Counties contact People Against a Violent Environment (PAVE) or People Against Domestic Abuse (PADA). There are support groups and shelter care facilities to keep you safe.

Remember, you have the right to be safe, the right to be heard and the right to say no. Other sites to visit that offer help with relationships include;

Dating Violence

Beak the Cycle

Love is Respect

Self Injury or Teen Cutting

Emma's mom first noticed the cuts when Emma was doing the dishes one night. Emma told her mom that their cat had scratched her. Her mom seemed surprised that the cat had been so rough, but she didn't think much more about it. Emma's story hits the homes of teenagers around the world. Parents, teachers and friends have seen the marks, however accept many explanations except the truth. The truth is adolescent depression, confusion, fear and is seen more and more frequently in girls than boys.

Why Do People Cut Themselves? It can be hard to understand why people cut themselves on purpose. Cutting is a way some people try to cope with the pain of strong emotions, intense pressure, or upsetting relationship problems. They may be dealing with feelings that seem too difficult to bear, or bad situations they think can't change.

Some people cut because they feel desperate for relief from bad feelings. People who cut may not know better ways to get relief from emotional pain or pressure. Some people cut to express strong feelings of rage, sorrow, rejection, desperation, longing, or emptiness. Those that Self-Injure (SI) themselves might be a sign of other abuse the child is experiencing in the home or with teen relationships. This type of abuse includes; mental, physical, sexual and neglect. Often if children are not getting their basic needs fulfilled at home, they reach out to others to acquire these necessities. Teens who cut themselves many times want to be discovered. Many don't know there are other ways to address the many emotions they are feeling.

How Does Cutting Start? Cutting often begins on an impulse. It's not something the person thinks about ahead of time. Shauna says, "It starts when something's really upsetting and you don't know how to talk about it or what to do. But you can't get your mind off feeling upset, and your body has this knot of emotional pain. Before you know it, you're cutting yourself. And then somehow, you're in another place. Then, the next time you feel awful about something, you try it again — and slowly it becomes a habit."

Natalie, a high-school junior who started cutting in middle school, explains that it was a way to distract herself from feelings of rejection and helplessness she felt she couldn't bear. "I never looked at it as anything that bad at first — just my way of getting my mind off something I felt really awful about. I guess part of me must have known it was a bad thing to do, though, because I always hid it. Once a friend asked me if I was cutting myself and I even lied and said 'no.' I was embarrassed."

What can you do to help a cutting friend? Look for signs of cutting. Your friend wearing long sleeve shirts to hide SI. Your friend becoming a loner and spending less time with you. Help them, help themselves by;

• Talk about it
• Tell someone
• Help your friend find resources
• Help your friend find alternatives to cutting
• Acknowledge your friend's pain
• Be a good role model

What should you not do, as a friend? Do not deliver ultimatums, don't accidently reinforce the behavior and do not join in. By doing these things, you will only be adding to the pain your friend is experiencing.

What should you do to prevent further injury to yourself? Tell someone, ask for help and help identify the troubles that are causing you to self-injure yourself. Although cutting can be a difficult pattern to break, it is possible. Getting professional help to overcome the problem doesn't mean that a person is weak or crazy. Therapists and counselors are trained to help people discover inner strengths that help them heal. These inner strengths can then be used to cope with life's other problems in a healthy way.

Scars express the hardships she had to endure. Outside she is healed. Inside she still bleeds. Longing for someone to bandage her. A poem from a cutter.